


I Always Said The Good Things Pass Me By

by nothingwithoutyouxo



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:02:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27041683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingwithoutyouxo/pseuds/nothingwithoutyouxo
Summary: While helping Clay pack for college, Justin comes across a stack of Clay's sketchbooks. It's not unusual until he cracks one open and finds a drawing of himself staring back at him ...
Relationships: Justin Foley/Clay Jensen
Comments: 9
Kudos: 73





	I Always Said The Good Things Pass Me By

**Author's Note:**

> Well, these boys are still on my mind so here's a little fluff piece. I was going to write another fic that would have been sad, but I think I really needed something cheesy instead so maybe someone else does too. I messed with Justin's future a little because it needed to be done. The timeline of this show is whack, but I think I got the years mentioned in this right (not that it really matters tbh).
> 
> Title is from Take Me As I Am by The Strike, which absolutely slaps and I've also decided recently is very them. No trigger warnings this time !!

As he sat on the floor helping Clay pack up almost everything he owned, it was starting to sink in that Clay was leaving for college in less than a week. Justin had been trying not to think about it, but it was a little hard to ignore with the evidence right in front of him. They hadn’t really talked about it either, not that Justin knew why he felt they should, or what he’d say about it. College was what Clay wanted, and after the shock of getting into Brown wore off, he seemed excited for it. If a little anxious, in a way that was so very _Clay_ that it made Justin laugh whenever he noticed. 

While Clay was moving across the country, Justin was staying put. There’d been a lot of times in his life where he felt he didn’t have a future, so it wasn’t something he’d planned for. Clay helped him change that. It had taken more thought than possibly anything else he’d ever done. Justin’s first instinct, as always, was to run so when the offer from Occidental came through he’d thought that would be his path. Then his flight instinct started to wear off and Justin realised he was happier right where he was. Happier than he’d ever been, actually. 

If he went to Sanderson he could stay right where he was, and sure the apartment would be empty without Clay, but it was the closest thing to a home that he’d ever had. When Matt and Lainey told him he was welcome to stay it practically made his decision for him. He’d be home, he’d be close to Zach who was staying in town to coach the Liberty Tigers. Charlie would still be here for another year. There was something comforting about all of that. Justin hadn’t fought his way to stability just to uproot himself again. He _couldn’t_. 

“Is it weird that I’m staying here?” he asked.

Clay paused from yanking every single item of clothing he owned out of his closet and looked down at him. “I thought you were already ok with it?”

Justin shrugged. “I am, but I’m staying with _your_ parents.”

He smiled. “Justin, they’re practically your parents too at this point.”

He shifted uncomfortably. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the sentiment, the Jensens were the closest thing he’d had to a real family. Justin just hated the insinuation that he and Clay were practically _brothers_. It didn’t sit right in a way that he didn’t allow himself to talk about. Especially now. “What am I gonna do without you here, man?” he asked instead, and it was almost normal.

Clay shrugged, half heartedly folding the shirt in his hands. “What you always do.”

“It’ll be so quiet here.”

“It’s not like I’m the most talkative roommate,” he teased.

But it wasn’t about that. It was just … Clay. His presence alone. Even if the space was dead silent, it was comfortable. Justin had only been in comfortable silence with one person before. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I can leave you some comics,” Clay offered.

“What?”

Clay indicated the large piles of comics in front of his bed that he hadn’t sorted through yet. “I can’t really take them all with me,” he explained, “and you like them, right?”

Yeah, he liked them. Maybe that because he associated comics with Clay. It was another thing that Justin tried not to think about. 

“We can go through them together later, alright?”

“Sure.” At least he’d have something to do that would remind him of Clay. Fuck, it was going to be hard saying goodbye in a few days. 

Justin finished stacking the last of Clay’s records into the box in front of him, his eyes lingering on the refracted rainbow on one side of a triangle. “What are you gonna do with these?” he asked. 

Clay shrugged. “They’re staying here. Guess I’ll take them back to the house and put them with my dad’s.” He dropped the coathangers he was holding and made his way over, picking up the box. 

“Oh you mean like right now?”

“Yeah, I can tell my mum we’re almost done while I’m up at the house.”

After Clay left, Justin looked around at what they had left to go through. There were the comics, but he wasn’t touching them without Clay present. Clay had almost finished going through his clothes so he didn’t need Justin’s help with that. 

He stood up, grabbing the last box that they had on hand and made his way over to the drawers on Clay’s side of the room. Sitting down again, Justin opened the bottom door. For someone who was usually incredibly neat, Clay’s bottom drawer was an absolute mess. On one side were piles of trading cards sorted by type - Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Dragonball Z, and weirdly enough some old baseball cards - but on the other was a mess of papers. 

Justin ignored the trading cards for now, and started going through the papers. Mostly it was old school work which Clay had seemingly not thrown out yet, pages of hand-written dot point notes on how to solve various equations, Shakespearean quotes, and the important events of WWII. Clay probably threw them in here before graduation and forgot about them. As Justin dug through the pile he soon realised that there was something underneath.

After scoping up most of the papers, Justin uncovered three sketchbooks. At least, that’s what he thought they were. He couldn’t see Clay keeping hardcover journals around for any other reason, but these didn’t look like Clay’s usual sketchbooks. Typically they were black and as discreet as possible, blending in with his other notebooks, but these were brightly coloured with patterns on the cover - rocket ships and planets, geometric shapes, and one with little symbols of the sun embossed into the cover. 

He picked up the last one and ran his fingers over it. They were probably gifts from extended family or something. If they were empty that explained why they were buried under everything else. Even so, Justin couldn’t help wanting to check. Maybe they were really old, books from when Clay was a kid. That might explain them being next to the trading cards. Justin had seen a lot of Clay’s art in the last few years, and he couldn’t help but think it would be kind of cool to see how it all started. 

Justin turned the cover so carefully, slowly like he’d startle the book itself if he moved too fast. Part of him still felt like he was prying, and that he should wait for Clay to come back before he did this, but surely one quick glance wouldn’t hurt. Clay didn’t have to know about it anyway. The first page was blank, and Justin wondered if he was right and the book was empty but when he turned to the next page there was definitely _something_.

His own face stared up at him, sketched in soft lines and detailed shading. It was different to the art that he’d seen before, sharp lines and comic style cartoons. This was … realistic. Justin had no idea that Clay could even draw like this, but he guessed having more than one art style was something people could do. 

The Justin in the image was wearing his letterman jacket and smiling. Maybe Clay had drawn this sometime during the last football season. Justin glanced down at the bottom right corner of the page, where Clay usually wrote the date, and his breath caught.

_2018._

Wait, that was … the year all of this started. That was the year he ran away and Clay came to find him. Justin was light-headed just thinking about it. This drawing was at least a year old. Did that mean anything? 

Flicking through the rest of the sketchbook, Justin was greeted with more of himself. Near the end of the second book, the date slowly shifted to 2019, and the third was almost entirely fresh with only a few sketches. Justin looked down at one of the last pages, seeing himself in his cap and gown on graduation day. It looked like a picture Jess had taken on the day, and maybe that meant Clay was using references at least some of the time. 

But what about all the other drawings? 

The front door cracked open and Clay headed back in, when he saw Justin with the sketchbooks in his lap he froze in place. 

Justin stopped too, fear hitting him like he’d been caught doing something wrong, and by the look on Clay’s face he definitely had been. 

“Shit,” Clay muttered, and before Justin could say anything he was out the door again. 

***

Justin had no idea what to do. Clay hadn’t come back and as much as Justin thought about chasing after him, he knew how much Clay would need his space to deal with … whatever this was. To make sense of his feelings. Maybe Justin needed to do that too. Maybe he needed to stop pushing it all away. 

He’d packed the rest of Clay’s things into the remaining box. Knick-knacks that Justin knew he would want around in his dorm and then sat on his own bed. And waited. When it started getting dark in the room Justin was starting to think that Clay wouldn’t be coming back. What would he do then? Maybe Clay just went up to the house for a bit. Maybe he was helping his parents with something. 

Maybe Clay wasn’t mad at him. Justin hated even the idea of making Clay angry. His stomach churned like he was going to be sick, but he didn’t move. He was so _stupid._ He should have just waited for Clay to come back. That’s what a friend would have done. Or a brother. Justin couldn’t help but wonder if Clay hated that word being applied to them as much as he did. One day he might have the courage to ask. 

The front door opened, and no light filtered in, just Clay. Justin didn’t really have a sense of time passing, but it must have been late by now. He should probably turn a light on so the two of them weren’t in the dark, but he still couldn’t move. 

Clay didn’t speak. He headed straight for the fridge in their kitchenette, pulling out the milk and drinking straight from the carton. Clay was facing away from him, but even with the small slither of light, Justin could make out the tension in his shoulders. Clay was stressed. About this. 

Justin swallowed, and tried to think of what to say as Clay put the milk back and closed the fridge. For a moment, he just stood there, and then he sighed and made his way over to his bed. 

Clay collapsed onto his bed, still not looking at him, and Justin was starting to feel the silence in a way that he didn’t when he was with Clay. 

“Should we talk about it?” he asked, and wondered what he would do if Clay didn’t answer him. Again, his fight or flight instinct reared its head: run away. _No, not from Clay._

After a long, tense moment, Clay sighed again. “About what?”

Justin took a deep breath. He wasn’t the best with words and he knew it. It wasn’t what he needed right now. “I know I shouldn’t have … looked,” he muttered. “I should have waited for you to come back.”

There was a shuffling sound in the dark, and Justin knew that Clay had sat up. He strained his eyes to see if the other boy was looking at him. 

“Clay, they date back years,” he continued. “2018? That was when we - when I … Look, I’m not asking you to explain yourself or anything, but -”

“Does it matter?” Clay asked, and there was an edge to his voice, like he was gritting his teeth. Like he just wanted this moment to be over. 

Maybe Justin shouldn’t have asked at all. He should have pretended that none of this happened and then Clay would leave in a few days for Brown and then … what? This would just sit unsettled between them? Forever? He couldn’t live with that and he needed to know if Clay couldn’t either.

“Justin, I’m leaving in less than a week. I -”

“So? What? You’re just going to stop talking to me after that?” Even the thought made him feel sick. Justin swallowed, feeling a burn in the back of his throat which wasn’t a good sign. He didn’t want to _cry_ over this. 

“No. Justin, I - God …” Clay trailed off. There was more shuffling, the sound of Clay running his hands over the denim of his jeans. 

“Clay, if there’s something …. You can tell me,” he managed. His heart was beating heavily in his chest. Justin had no idea why he was allowing himself to ask _that_ , but that had to be where this conversation was going.

He heard Clay take a deep breath again. He was fidgeting in the dark, and while Clay was anxious he was never _fidgety_. This had to mean something. 

Maybe if he was honest. Justin crossed his legs underneath him, his hands balling into fists in his lap. “What if there’s -” he broke off, and had to take another breath. This was risky. He wondered if Clay could feel that already. “There might be something here for me too,” he admitted.

“What?” 

It was Clay’s fastest response so far, sharp like a reflex, but his tone was nothing less than confused. 

“I don’t have the drawings to prove it or … anything to prove it but, you matter to me, Clay. No one matters to me like you do.”

The room went very still. Justin felt like there was an arm clamped around his chest, and not in the way he was used to. Not like when he was going through withdrawal, and his whole body would burn. This was just to do with his heart.

“What about Jess?” Clay asked, his voice quiet. 

Justin was worried that Clay didn’t _want_ to believe what he was saying. That maybe he was deflecting. “Jess? You know that ended. Plus, I could - say the same thing to you. What about Ani? Or Skye? Or - “ _Hannah_. It was a low blow and Justin regretted it even without saying her name. Especially because Clay had flinched in the dark.

“Don’t.”

He dug his nails into his palms absently. “I’m sorry. I keep fucking this up.”

“No, you’re not - “ he broke off, and sighed. “I did that by … leaving my stuff around. I guess.”

Justin wondered if Clay knew that he’d never done anything wrong in his life. At least for as long as Justin had known him. The two of them sat there for a moment, neither speaking. Justin went over the drawings in his mind again, and the sheer attention to detail that Clay had put in. While all of Clay’s art was _careful_ , these had seemed different. There was something else there, something else driving him. 

“Clay,” he muttered, breaking the silence. “Are you - _do_ you?” Justin wasn’t sure if he knew what he was asking, let alone if Clay would. 

“Do _you_?” he asked back. 

The only thing he knew was that he couldn’t let himself fuck this up again. Clay was the most important person in the world to him, and as much as Justin needed him to know that, he wasn’t sure how to tell him. “I don’t know what you need me to say.”

Justin’s eyes were adjusting now, and he could make out Clay shaking his head across from him. “Ani … wasn’t anything,” he explained. “That … sounds awful, but - she wasn’t.”

“Ok.”

“Justin, you …. It wouldn’t work.”

He was sure that his heart stopped beating for just a moment. “What? How do you know that?”

“Because you don’t - “ Clay stopped, and the words hung in the air between them. 

Justin met his eyes and realised that Clay knew exactly what he’d been telling him: that Justin _did_. 

“Fuck,” he muttered, and dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t usually get this far.”

Justin got up and crossed the room, sitting next to Clay on his bed. He wasn’t sure what to do, he’d never really thought that he could be much of a comfort to other people, but he needed to do _something_. He put his hand on Clay’s knee and listened to the sharp intake of breath as a result. 

“Clay, you saved my life and … no one else has done that,” he said. It didn’t feel like enough. There were too many words twisting inside him, but Justin had no way of making sense of them for himself let alone for Clay. He moved his hand away again.

Clay looked up at him, and Justin didn’t need to see him clearly to make out the worry in his expression. “That’s kind of codependent,” he countered.

Justin blinked. “Uh, yeah.”

“Sorry, I - uh, Dr. Elman gets in my head sometimes.”

“That’s probably a good thing. Isn’t that what therapy does?”

“Yeah, mostly.”

Justin couldn’t help but laugh at just how ridiculous this moment seemed. Clay cracked a smile in response, and his heart could finally start beating again. “What I’ve been trying to say,” he muttered, “is … the dates - it’s been a while for me too.”

Clay shifted on the bed, and then their knees were pressed together. Justin was glad he seemed to need the contact just as much. “Tony picked up on it first,” he admitted. “I hate that he did, but I don’t think I would have realised otherwise.”

“I didn’t think you would -” Justin broke off. He didn’t need to finish the sentence. “I just pushed it away,” he explained instead.

Clay’s hand found his and Justin locked their fingers together without a second thought. “Would you have told me?” he asked. “If you didn’t find the -”

Justin was already shaking his head. “I’m terrified.” 

He squeezed Justin’s hand. “Of me?”

“Not of you, but of,” he paused, gesturing between them with his free hand, “this. Clay, I’ve never - it feels different with you.”

“Different how?”

Justin shrugged. “Just different. I don’t know, more?”

Clay’s brow furrowed. “More?”

“Yeah, Clay, you’re -” He still didn’t have the words. Justin wasn’t sure if he ever would. “You,” he settled on, because to him that was everything.

Looking down at their hands, Clay smiled softly, and Justin just managed to catch it. “If I told you, what would you have done?”

Justin looked from their hands, to Clay’s face, his eyes lingering on Clay’s lips for what would have been too long under any other circumstances. “I can think of one thing,” he muttered.

Clay’s eyes met his. “Yeah?”

They looked at each other, then Justin slowly disentangled his hand from Clay’s, using it to gently cup his cheek instead. Justin leaned in, savouring the gasp that Clay made the second their lips touched, as if he was surprised. He wondered if Clay had thought about this as much as he had, because sometimes Justin was brave enough to not repress _everything_. 

It took them a moment to find their rhythm, their noses bumped together, and they had to adjust. But then they found it, Justin sliding his hand down to Clay’s neck to steady him while one of Clay’s hands creeped up his back, grabbing onto his shirt with a death grip. As if Clay never wanted to let go. Justin wondered how he could tell Clay that he never wanted him to. 

Clay pulled away first, catching his breath. “Shit,” he whispered. 

“You ok?” he asked, concern lacing his tone. 

He nodded, and then gently pressed his forehead against Justin’s, breathing him in. “Are you?”

Justin wrapped an am around him, pulling him closer. “Yeah, I - _god,_ Clay.”

It definitely wasn’t the most articulate thing to say, and that might have been why Clay laughed. Hearing it so close was something else. Clay’s fingers trailed the hem of Justin’s shirt absently, making him shiver. “So,” he muttered, “we have to figure out how I’m going to make up for not being able to kiss you for a whole semester.”

Justin swallowed. “You might have to start now,” he smirked.

Clay was already leaning in again. “Like, right now?” he asked.

“Yeah. Right now.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just feel like we as a society don't talk enough about how Clay draws in canon. I talk about it a lot with my best friend but that's another story. As always I'm over at [stranger-awakening](http://www.stranger-awakening.tumblr.com) on Tumblr if anyone wants to chat.
> 
> Comments, kudos, etc., are appreciated <3 Until next time !!


End file.
